time-travel

Things Tourists Say That Keep Croatian Tour Guides Awake at Night

Mon, 20 Jul 2026 11:50:26 GMT

Things Tourists Say That Keep Croatian Tour Guides Awake at Night

Well...

I wasn't supposed to write another blog.

After "Please Don't Book With Us If," my boss had... concerns.

Mainly about the title.

And my judgement.

Then he read it.

He laughed.

Quite a lot, actually.

Then he remembered it was our official company website.

That's when the headache started.

So we did what every professional company does when faced with a difficult business decision.

We put it to a vote.

The team voted.

Then we invited a few friends to vote too.

Mostly to confirm we're the normal ones.

They're still discussing it.

The final result?

I won.

Which means my boss has officially asked me to write another one.

His first mistake was approving the first blog.

His second was thinking I'd behave this time.

Let's clear something up first.

There are no stupid questions.

Only tour guides who've answered the same question 4,327 times.

And even then...

We still like answering them.

Because every question means someone's curious.

And curious people usually have the best trips.

So if you've ever started a sentence with,

"This is probably a silly question..."

Congratulations.

You're exactly the kind of traveller we like.

Now...

Let's talk about the questions that have become legendary.

"Can we see Split, Trogir, Krka, Plitvice... and Dubrovnik today?"

Absolutely.

Would you also like to stop for lunch?

Maybe a wine tasting?

A quick swim?

Watch the sunset?

Be back before dinner?

No problem at all.

The only tiny issue...

You've just described a week's holiday.

Every guide has heard this one.

"We've only got one day..."

...followed by a list of places that even Google Maps quietly judges.

Unfortunately, our company is called Time Travel Split because we love history.

Not because we own a time machine.

Although if we ever invent one...

This will be the first problem I solve.

"Where are the dragons?"

We get this one more often than you'd think.

Unfortunately...

They don't actually live here.

They were only visiting for filming.

They've since moved on to bigger projects.

Although, if you visit Split in the middle of July...

You might spot a few locals breathing fire.

Mostly because it's 35°C and someone just asked if we can "quickly" walk up Marjan.

Or maybe the dragons just got tired of paying for parking too.

Now, I have a friend who's also a guide.

Let's call him...

"Marko."

(Not his real name.

His real name is... also Marko.)

He's convinced there's still a dragon hiding somewhere around the Palace.

Personally...

I think if there really were dragons here, "Marko" would've found a way to add them to one of his tours by now :)

"Can you recommend a restaurant where only locals eat?"

Ah yes.

The legendary restaurant.

Amazing food.

Sea view.

Cheap prices.

No tourists.

No waiting.

Open all year.

If I knew a place like that...

I'd be eating there instead of writing this blog.

"Can you take just one photo?"

Of course.

I've learned that "just one photo" exists in exactly the same universe as "we're leaving in five minutes."

It sounds believable.

Until it isn't.

One photo becomes...

"One horizontal."

"Now one vertical."

"Can we do a funny one?"

"Oh no... I blinked."

"Let's do one without sunglasses."

"Actually...

...let's recreate the first one."

Somewhere around Photo #37...

I stop being your tour guide...

...and become your unpaid holiday photographer.

Honestly, some of my best photography has never been credited.

"Do people actually live inside Diocletian's Palace?"

This is one of my favourite questions.

Because the answer is...

Yes.

In fact...

I'm writing this blog from inside Diocletian's Palace.

More specifically...

From my kitchen.

Which occasionally loses phone signal because it's surrounded by 1,700-year-old Roman walls.

The Romans built an empire.

They just weren't planning for mobile reception.

So if you ever can't reach me by phone...

Don't worry.

I'm probably still at home.

My boss can confirm.

Usually after calling me three times and wondering where I've disappeared to.

People really do live here.

We cook dinner.

Carry groceries through ancient alleyways.

Wait for deliveries.

Complain about parking.

And yes...

Sometimes we get lost trying to explain our address.

It's probably the only neighbourhood where your home is a UNESCO World Heritage Site...

...and your Wi-Fi still loses an argument with a Roman wall.

"Where are all the locals?"

Usually...

Right next to you.

You just assumed they were tourists.

Or they're sitting in a café.

On what appears to be their third coffee.

Don't worry.

It's still the first meeting.

Coffee in Croatia isn't a drink.

It's an event.

"Can we beat the crowds?"

What month is it?

"August."

...

No.

But we can outsmart them.

That's part of my job.

"Is it always this hot?"

Every summer.

Without fail.

Someone asks.

And every Croatian gives exactly the same answer.

"You should have been here last week."

It doesn't matter whether last week was hotter...

Or colder.

It's simply the law.

I'm pretty sure it's in the Constitution.

The funny thing is...

I genuinely love these questions.

Because questions mean curiosity.

Curiosity means you're paying attention.

And that's the whole point of travelling.

Not to know everything before you arrive.

But to leave with stories you'll still be telling years later.

So if we ever meet on a tour...

Ask me anything.

Seriously.

History.

Food.

Cats.

Coffee.

Why half the streets have names you can't pronounce.

I'll happily answer.

Just...

Maybe don't ask if we can visit Dubrovnik before lunch.

I'm still recovering from the last person who did.

See you in Croatia.

Hopefully over a coffee.

(Or somewhere around Photo #38.)

Company Update

The boss has now read two blogs.

He looked at me.

Looked back at the screen.

Sighed.

Again.

Current employment status:

Still somehow in charge of the company blog.

Let's not push our luck with Blog #3.

Written by: J. — Tour Guide & Still Writing Before My Boss Changes His Mind

Don't Book a Tour With Us If...

Thu, 25 Jun 2026 00:33:08 GMT

Don't Book a Tour With Us If...

My boss is probably going to fire me for writing this.

Actually...

If you've somehow landed on this page while searching for "the best tours in Croatia," I should probably be convincing you to book with us.

Instead, I'm about to tell you why you shouldn't.

This is either the worst marketing strategy in history...

...or pure genius.

We'll find out together.

(If this article suddenly disappears next week, my boss definitely found it.)

Please don't book with us if you're looking for a guide carrying a little flag, walking exactly 37 steps ahead, and reading facts like a GPS with a history degree.

We're hopeless at that.

Please don't book with us if you want to spend your vacation hearing nothing but dates. Sure, we'll tell you when something happened. But we're much more interested in telling you why locals still argue about it over coffee.

Speaking of coffee...

You should know that in Croatia, "Let's grab a quick coffee" is a dangerous sentence.

It can last three hours.

Four if someone's grandmother joins.

Please don't book with us if you don't enjoy unexpected moments.

Sometimes we'll stop because the sunset looks ridiculous.

Sometimes because a local fisherman insists you have to taste today's catch.

Sometimes because a sleepy cat has decided the middle of the street belongs to him now.

No one argues with Croatian cats.

Not even my boss.

(Although after reading this article, he might.)

And finally...

Please don't book with us if you're expecting perfection.

Croatia isn't perfect.

It rains.

The wind changes.

Someone's ice cream melts before they finish taking photos.

Maybe your guide bumps into a childhood friend who somehow knows everyone in town.

Those moments aren't in the itinerary.

They're the itinerary.

A seagull steals a sandwich.

Life happens.

That's exactly what makes the best stories.

So yes...

If you're looking for the cheapest tour...

Don't book with us.

If you're looking for the biggest group...

Definitely don't book with us.

If you're looking for a guide who'll rush you through twenty attractions before lunch...

Please, keep scrolling.

But...

If you're looking for the kind of day that feels less like a tour and more like spending time with a local friend...

If you're looking for stories you'll still be telling years later...

Then...

Maybe ignore everything I've just written.

And if my boss asks...

You never read this article.

Unless...You're exactly the kind of traveler we wrote it for. In that case we'll see you in Croatia. Hopefully on one of our tours!

Company update:

The boss still hasn't read this article.

When he does, I'll probably be asked why our official blog starts with " Please don't book with us. "

On the bright side, I'm also the marketing department. :)

On the less bright side...

I'm also the reason the marketing department keeps getting into trouble.

Apparently, giving me full creative freedom wasn't the smartest business decision.

Stay tuned for my employment status after Blog #2.

Written by: J. - Tour Guide & Probably Writing This Instead of Doing Something More Important